BETA DAY

I have not posted since my transfer but to let you all know the time has gone by relatively fast. I suppose going to Vegas 5 days after my transfer helped. I had a lot of fun and got to see the Lion King at Mandala Bay. It was incredible and highly recommend it but this will be the last year it is showing in Vegas!!! I got to spend quality time with my beautiful daughter, her boyfriend, and of course my husband. Now I did take the evil HPTs with me and tested at 7 & 8 days past my transfer. Both were negatives and I had a melt down. Since Kevin didn't know that I even took the tests I had to put on a smile while on the inside my heart was breaking. If it wasn't for my IVF gals I don't know what I would do. They help me to keep my sanity and because of their advice I decided not to test again because it was too emotionally draining. Although I have not tested  again I am pretty sure this cycle was a bust. Now I know it is not over until the Beta lady sings but it is a feeling I have. I just feel different than my last cycle and with my last I had a feeling before I got back my second BETA numbers that it was not going to be good. It would be great to be surprised but I need to be realistic. I already talked to Kevin and let him know that I want to do this again. I think the talked help me feel a little better. At least I know that this is not final

I will update later

UPDATE:  As expected my Beta came back negative. I am Ok though and I am ready to move forward to my next cycle. Maybe 3 times will be the charm!

FET

So again I haven't posted like I should but with a FET there is not too much going on. Also the joys of having children and step-children make for a lot of activity. My step-daughter Kassie graduated from 8th grade on May 25. Boy was that place packed, my mother-in-law thought it was so strange that so many people would go to this event. But you know when it comes to your kids no event is too small. Then on June 1 my other step-daughter Kandace graduated from high school.

So  I have to insert estrogen cream around dinner time and then lay down for about 10 or 15 minutes. The problem was that we had to leave early to get a decent seat so I took the estrace with me & planned on lying down on the back seat. However, the traffic was so bad at the ASU arena where the graduation was taking place that I had to do it while he was driving. My kids were asleep in the back seat. So there with skirt hiked  up & underwear to the side inserting the cream. Yep real glad a semi didn't drive by. ;-p

Anyway all went well & the graduation was great. They went through over 500 names in about 30 minutes!!!

Well today was my big day. I was up by 5 since my nerves would not let me sleep. I went in for my 1st acupuncture treatment & absolutely loved. I was so relaxed. While I was waiting for the acupuncturist to come back the embryologist's assistant came in and told us that they thawed 2 embryos. One was doing very good while the other was not.
Our options were:

1. Thaw another embryo out
2. Take  our chances & transfer the two I have
3. If the one embryo showed complete stop of growth then transfer the one.

Kevin decide that we should take our chances. After she left I was quiet for awhile. I wasn't upset just deep in thought. I had a nagging feeling and it just didn't seem right to me. I discussed it with Kevin and he decided to go tell them we had changed our minds. This was about 15 minutes after the assistant had come in. This caused a little delay in my transfer since we had to wait for the other embryo thaw out. I had drunk 16 oz of water and was dying to pee. At one point I was almost in tears because it was starting to hurt. I sent Kevin up to ask if I could empty  a little out. But right at that moment they were ready for me.  So there I was bent over walking trying not to piddle on the floor. We got in and they had me put my feet in the stirrups with my Hoo Haw exposed to the world. Surprisingly this position caused a little relief on my poor enlarged bladder. My RE Dr. Craig walked in & asked how I felt about twins. I said that I was fine with that while Kevin was just quiet. He said that the one that was not doing so good was still hanging in there and they would transfer it as well. He gave me a 68% chance of conceiving twins though and a 6% for triplets!!! He felt very optimistic about this so while I know that anything can happen, I feel pretty good too.

My comfy position didn't last long while Dr.  Craig put the clamp in one of the nurses  pressed the ultrasound on  my belly causing my bladder to scream in protest. Oh well it will all be worth it in the end if I get a baby or babies several months later. When I was finally allowed to pee. I didn't think I would ever stop. I peed for almost a minute. I actually timed it.

Now I am on Princess status resting up and praying and hoping for the best, wondering if my little beans are doing their job.

One thing is for sure it feels great to be Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise (PUPO)

Thoughts of Children

Yes I know it has been too long since I posted. I am a terrible terrible person. Really I have had hardly enough time to breath. Let me tell you, I will be so extremely happy when summer break is here and not just because my kids will be home and I get to spend more time with them. That itself is a big reason because I love being with my kids and now that I am not in school I get bored during the day, Anyways back to what I was saying the other reason is the school work. I am so tired of it. My son who has some learning disabilities and whom we are trying to get back on an IEP so that he can receive the help he needs gets a crap load of homework. I mean he has a book report for reading, a science project for science, a research paper for writing, and a social studies project for social studies all need to be turned in by Monday. He was actually given an extension because his counselor Mrs. Hunter whom I absolutely love has been such an amazing advocate for him getting some modifications on his work. Still there is so much to do and so little time and my son, God bless his is very meticulous in his work which takes him extra long to do. In fact after I get off of here his research paper which has been written out I am now going to type up for him so he can work on and other project. I am exhausted just writing about it.

Well back to the world of fertility which has taken a big chunk out of my daily life. It is amazing exactly what we put our bodies through and the amount of times we do. I get asked why I would want to try again since already have children. Sometimes I feel self conscious because I know there are many women out there that have not yet had the opportunity to hold their own child in their arms where I have been triply blessed to do so. Maybe I am selfish and like the Disney character Sharpay (my daughter is watching High School Musical) I want more!!! I want to add to my wonderful blended family and unite them together. I always do I wanted to have more children and my first husband and I planned on trying again after my son Tristan had started school but life throws curve balls at you. Today is the 8 year anniversary of his death. It is hard to believe that he has been gone so long. I look at my husband Kevin now and realize what lucky person I am to have been blessed with two amazing men when some women don't even get one.

June 3rd is the official day that I will be PUPO!!!! I pray and hope that one or two of my little snowbabies stick

In Limbo Land Again

For the past few days I have had no internet service. I sat and wondered what I did before the days of technology. Well I read some books, did some cleaning, played games with my kids. Sometimes it is nice to get away from all this and just live simply.
But now I am back and need to post as to what has been going on for me in these few days. Well we went in on Sunday hopeful that our embryos had caught up and were ready to be placed back in me. I kept thinking that is is Easter and it is a blessed day. If there was a day of good things then I prayed that today would be that day.  First I like to comment that when you go to change into the hospital gown the worse place that you can put a women who has drank almost 32oz of water is in the bathroom. For me personally I see a toilet and I just have to go. So I went in with my back turned and quickly undressed. Again had to give the nurse all the information as if anything had changed from the day before. I know I know it is all about procedures. We sat waiting what seemed like forever. We were the last ones of the day even though out appointment time was 9:30, (slow day). Finally Dr. Craig appeared. Out of the 5 eggs one had disintegrated, (which we already sure was going to happen). As for the other four they had all caught up and were blastocysts!!! I like to just think that I have sleepy embryos and maybe that is a sign that as babies they will sleep through the night lol!!! Yeah I thought, I am going to be PUPO (Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise) today!!! Then I looked at my RE and I saw there was a but coming. The embryologist felt that since we had waited an extra day the lining of my uterus would not be as thick and that it would be better to freeze them and due a frozen embryo transfer later. We could have also went with transferring all 4 of them that day in which he said that it would be very unlikely that all 4 would take or even 3 but my husband still sees that chance. He also said that he could not give me as a high a success rate if we did it that day. Now waiting to and doing a FET also carries some risks such as the embryos not surviving the thaw. It was our choice. He left us alone for a few minutes where we talked I didn't know what to do and just wanted to be pregnant. When Dr. Craig came back I asked him his professional opinion and he said that he was on the fence (Great!!!) but the embryologist, Dr. Tao highly recommended the FET and he always said if they ever disagreed on anything go with the embryologist. So that is what we did. I had to take another shot of progesterone, (had done one earlier that morning) and was told to stop all medications except for prenatal. My period should arrive within a week. Yeah!!! We go in tomorrow morning for a consult to discuss what are next steps are. I feel like we are going to our WTF appointment but I guess it is not really since it was just postponed. As far I know our transfer will be about June 3, just over 5 weeks away!!! Really?!?!? That just seems so far away!!!! In the meantime I am going to do some housecleaning and try to get some of the clutter out of our lives. Maybe shed a few pounds!!! Right now I feel like I am in limbo land again

2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back

Today was suppose to be the big day embryo transfer. All week since my egg retrieval I have been on pins and needles jumping every time my phone rang hoping it was not the clinic calling to say that all my embryos had arrested. No news is good news and so the week progressed with no calls. Last night I barely slept and I got up early figured I would have time to sleep while on my bed rest. We got there at 9:45  and there were two couples in front of us. I put on my sexy hospital gown, slippers and hat and patiently awaited my turn. At about 10:40 my Re came out to us and said that although 5 embryos had fertilized one looked so so and would probably not make it, there were two that were a day behind in growth, and the other two were 1/2 day behind. I couldn't believe it not again this felt like Deja Vu. Back in July the exact same thing happened and we came in the following day to do the transfer. It is such a let down because you get so excited for this day to finally arrive and then nothing. I didn't cry until we got out to the car and I told Kev that I felt like a failure. He of course said to stop the RE said that this happens about 20%  of the times and that they looked good he just wanted to make sure which two would be the best 2 to put in tomorrow. Let me also tell you that we could have put in all 4 today which I would have be perfectly find but I think our RE scared Kev when he said that they could all take. So here we are waiting. I just hope and pray that they catch up and will be ready to return back home to me for the next several months.

Pray Pray Pray

Egg Retrieval

Well I told you I was a wuss when it comes to meds and I was not able to post anything yesterday. Still hurting a little today but not too bad. The only thing is I am constipated so I have been drinking mucilex Yummy!! 


Kevin and I arrived bright early at our clinic at 6:15 AM. The one nice thing about getting there so early is not too many people in front of you (there was one couple) and you get in faster. This is good because the sooner I get it done the sooner I can have some water. I remember talking to the nurse about my RE kids. The one thing I really like is that he and his wife also had to go through in vitro and I think that helps him to empathize with his patients as he has been on our side before. In fact he has 11 year old twins and 3 year old triplets!!!! I don't think I would mind twins maybe even triplets but I don't about much more than that and don't even know if I could carry that many with the septum in my uterus. Well as I was talking to the anesthesiologist I kept thinking when are the meds going to kick in next thing I know they were waking me up. They got 12 eggs but they were several immature ones. I had feeling that this was going to happen and still think that maybe they should have had be continue a day or two on the stims. So we got 5 mature eggs. I would be lying if I said I wasn't devastated because I know that there is less to work with and who knows how many of those 5 will even fertilize and after they fertilize how many of them will continue to grow and divide normally. I got on to the forum to let my fellow IVFers as well as facebook to let some friends that have been through this know what happen and then I took my percocet cried and passed out. One thing that I have to say about women who are going through this is that we rally around each other and work on boosting each others spirits. A few people had said to me that it is out of my hands and they are right. Last night I got down on my knees and prayed with an open heart. I know that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and that he knows my pain and I know that he will know if this is my time or not so I am letting go and letting God take over. This all I can do and although this is a very hard thing for me to do I think I felt better than I ever felt through this process.

UPDATE: So this morning I have been waiting the call from the embryologist. Surprisingly I have been very calm waiting to accept whatever is in store for me. At 9:29 AM  Dr. Tao called. Now I don't really like talking to him not because he isn't pleasant but I believe he is Vietnamese and he is hard to understand. 
Well here is the news: Out of my 5 eggs all 5 fertilized!!! Yeah I am cautiously optimistic as I know a lot can happen over the next few days. For now my transfer is scheduled for Saturday at 10:30 AM. I will get no further updates unless something goes wrongs. So here is hoping for no phone calls from the fertility clinic. 

Ready or Not Here We Go !!!!

Well I am terrible about posting but I have just been so exhausted and busy with the kids and getting the house clean before I am laid up that I just haven't had time to post one here. Sleep deprivation is sinking in, the other night I had not one, not two, not three, but four nightmares that woke me up throughout the night. The thing is none of the dreams were related just separate nightmares. It is funny though how vivid dreams/nightmares  are right after you wake up but then start to fade. This is what has happened for all the nightmares I had except for one. That one has stuck with me and still bothers me. My 13 year old daughter told me she wanted to take a walk. We were not living at my current house but the house I grew up and the house my parents still live in to this day. It started to get late and I got worried. The next store neighbor said there was a problem with predators in the neighborhood. I searched and searched but she was gone taken from me forever, (I won't go into anymore details). The last thing I remember before waking up was beating the man that did this. I woke up with tears running down my face and my pillow was wet as well. This nightmare was so realistic that I went into my daughter's room to make sure she was alright. Later that morning to her protests I hugged her tightly and told her how much I love her. She looked at me like I was a nutcase.

Well I had been going to daily checkups since Friday. On that day I had the PA give me the ultrasound and she saw 11 follicles I was not too concern as it was only one less and sometimes they miss one or the nurse before may have over counted Also she was having a hard time seeing the left ovary as it was hiding behind my bowels. My lining was 8.3 which she said was good. I went home and was scheduled to come in the next day Saturday.
On that day 19 follicles were counted with the highest being 18mm and several more 10 mm or bigger. My lining was a 9.5. Later that afternoon I was called to start the Ganirelix. So at that time I was doing two stomach injections in the morning and one at night!!! My first experience with the Ganirelix was not pleasant. There is no preparation for it as it already comes ready in the syringe as I like to call it idiot proof. I washed my hands got my skin prepped got myself to psyched to stick the needle and went for it. The needle hit my skin and did not go in. Ouch this needle felt dull like I was trying to stab myself with a butter knife. There wasn't anything I could do since I couldn't change the needle out except suck it up and take it. It sure did sting!!!! The next day I asked Daina if they normally had duller needles. She told me the problem is with the rubber tops and that you have to be careful taking them off. I followed her instructions and did not have a problem with it after that.
On Sunday when I went in I had a different nurse do the ultrasound and at this time only 15 follicles were counted with the biggest at 21 and the smallest at a 6mm. I was also confused because my lining was measures at 8.6. I asked about this later and was told that there could be slight discrepancies but not to worry because it was still a good measurement. The nurse told me there was a little amount of fluid in my uterus and she wanted me to take Vitamin E twice daily and that should clear it up. I did the thing that I always warn my friends on the IVF forum never to do; I GOOGLED it!!! Of course it was full of horrible stories about it being toxic and how cycles usually have to be canceled.
BAD ME need to take my own advice!!!!

I was told that I might get a call that night to trigger and they gave me a sheet and said if they called they would give me my instructions and if not to come back in at my scheduled appointment. At about a quarter to one they called.
TRIGGER TIME!!!!
For those who do not know the trigger shot is a HSG shot that will cause you to ovulate about 48 hours after injecting it. The Re though will take my follicles before this happens, 36 hours later and hopefully there will be some mature good eggs in there. So I did my trigger at 7:00 PM and I have to be at the clinic at  6:15 AM for an egg retrieval at 7:00 AM. Nothing to eat or drink after 11. I hate that part, not the eating but the drinking I get so thirsty throughout the night and always have cottonmouth in the morning. I would be lying if I said I wished I had had an extra day of stims. I want give some of the smaller ones a little longer to catch up. But my RE knows what is best and I trust him completely. I am hoping I will fill less uncomfortable after egg retrieval my poor swollen stomach. I seriously look like I am pregnant already!!! I posted a picture of my stomach below.

I will try hard to let you know how many eggs were retrieved but I am such a wuss when it comes to meds I don't know how coherent I will be. I

Ready or Not Here We Go

                                                    My Poor Swollen Stomach