2DP4DT

Is it just me or is the time just ticking by slowly?!?!?! So am now two days into my transfer and still not much to report. Not that I don't try to read into everything. I am still having cramping and hoping that it is a good but dreading that it is not. No urge to POAS yet but I am sure as the days go on that old feeling will return. I have been staring intently at my breasts. Now I am not vain (at least I don't think I am) and it is not like I have the small perky bouncy breasts of a 20 year old who has never had children. But I remember in my first cycle veins starting to pop especially around the aureole (Not going to say this is TMI because it is my blog and it is happening to my body besides it can be very informative for other women who think that they are going crazy during this wait). Unfortunately I didn't document my experiences then and not sure when it first was noticeable. Oh well as of right now sometimes I think the ta tas look different other times not so much. I know not much help but it is still very early.

1DP4DT

Well as you can imagine nothing much to report. I am on bed rest or as I like to say "Princess Status". I am getting a little stir crazy, laying here with my feet propped up and who knows what is going on with the rest of the house?!?!?! I know the kitchen must be a disaster but I am going to try and not think about it. I really think my left ovary is upset about this whole process because I went to turn on my side and got a terrible sharp pain there.At least it didn't last long.

Well like I said not much happening, just lots of prayers.

Transfer Day..... Maybe

This is has been a hectic Halloween weekend and I just have not had the time nor the energy to write. Kids had a fall festival/trunk or treat on Friday, on Saturday Courtney had a Halloween Party and on Sunday we went over to Kev's mom's house for Family Home Evening. Lots of fun but no time for much of anything else.

Anyway I got my fertility report. Out of 21 eggs 17 were mature and 13 fertilized. Woo Hoo lucky number 13!!!! I said to the embryologist well that sounds good and he just said well they could still all die!!! Thanks for being my Debbie Downer. He also said there were some brown areas on some of my eggs but didn't explain what this could possibly mean, Thanks!!! So he goes on to say that he is scheduling me for a transfer Tuesday at 11:45 but it probably isn't going to happen because my Re had written on the paper Freeze ALL! What?!?!?! I asked why and he didn't know just to show up today and we will see what happens. Now since this all happened on Weekend I could not get in contact with my clinic since they are open on Weekends by appointment only. All weekend I worried, my Re never said anything about freezing them when we talked to him and I don't like being in the dark. So first thing Monday morning I called and there phones had not been switched on yet. At 8:17 AM I got through and left a message. 6 hours and 5 minutes later I finally got a call, (yes I was getting a little anxious). Evidently, if you remember I was too excited to get my E2level on trigger day. Well I guess it was over 3,000 and when it starts to get that high he sometimes feels it is better to freeze everything and do a Frozen transfer later because success rates could be better. Now it may not happen for sure because I guess I am in an iffy area, if my E2 had been over 5,000 then it would definitely happen. So basically we are going to get there and he is going to make a decision then. I don't know what he is going to base the decision on because he is not doing any blood tests. I have a feeling that it is not going to happen today and yes I am a little bummed but I am praying hard that it will so we will see.

To be continued......






....and the story continues


Well went in hoping for the best but prepared for a postponement. I mean every time before when I would go in for my transfer it didn't happen today. Usually slow growing  embryos, this time could be the E2 levels or who knows what. So I got there changed into my scrubs and was behind one other couple. As I am drinking my water I accidently dropped the bottle and spilt water all down my gown (can we say butterfingers) I had to change my gown and let me tell not easy going into bathroom when your bladder is screaming at you to pee! Shortly after I got changed the nurse said that they were readt for me!!!! What?!?!?!?! No RE coming telling me we should post pone this? surely this can't be real. They wouldn't actually take me back to the OR and then tell me would they??? I didn't think so since they would have to sterilize the room again.
Got in there put my legs in the tortuture room style stirrups and then the embryologist came in. I have to say he is much nicer and pleasant in person. The language barrier is much broader over the phone. So what would he have to tell me. Different scenarios flashed in an instant before my eyes one of course one that every woman going through this fears.. none of your embryos have made it. Instead he smiles, (is this a good sign or a sympathy smile) and says your embryos look really good this time and looks like we may have about 6 to freeze which could now go along with my one frozen embryo left over from my last fresh cycle. Of course I will get a full report and know more later as to how many were frozen which will be done either today or tomorrow. But two great looking embryos were put back into me and it amazing watching those bubbles appear on the ultrasound! The RE was very happy and gave me a good % for success but of course I know anything can happen but right now happy and PUPO with twins!!!!

I call tomorrow to schedule my Beta which is on 11/11/11 hmmmm??? Lucky numbers?? Maybe I should ask to have my Beta time at 11:00 AM I don't know though cuz I have to see what the cut off time is for getting the results the same day!

Let the 2 week wait begin!!!!!

EGG RETRIEVAL

So sitting getting ready to take an oxycodone. I don't remember hurting as much with my others but it could be that they got 21 EGGS from me!!!!!! Usually they tell me how many were mature after I wake up but did not do that this this time and of course that makes worry, (don't like changes I guess). But generally besides the pain I am in good spirits, I figure there has got to be at least, (and I hope more) one good mature egg in there. Tomorrow I will get the call from the embryologist to let me know how many mature ones there were and how many fertilized. Crossing fingers and saying lots of prayers, this is completely out of my hands and I have learn to come to accept that.

Well I am going to take my loopy drugs now, sleep sounds wonderful right now!

Changes

Sorry I haven't been around, been so busy and last night when I went t sit down and type our Internet service was down :(

Here is my 11 and 12 days of stims

Day 11

E2 - 1995
R. Ovary 6 follicles measuring: 13, 14.4 14.5, 15, 16.4, 18.4
L. Ovary 8 follicles measuring: 11, 12, 13, 13, 14.6, 16, 17, 18.5

Because I now had follicles that were over 16 I finally got to graduated to daily pokes and prods. No change in meds.

Day 12

E2 - 2,806
R. Ovary 6 follicles measuring: 13, 14, 15.6, 16, 17, 21
L. Ovary 8 follicles measuring: 11.4, 11.5, 13.5, 17.4, 18, 18, 18, 20

They also told me my progesterone (something they never had before) 2.50. She said that was good they like to see anything under 3. To me of course I am thinking that is awfully close to 3. I also had two follicles that were measured smaller. Now as I have said before I believe it can be human error , (they were not that much smaller) but I did find out that follicles can in fact shrink due to not being stimulated enough (another follicle is eating more basically) and they can shrink and eventually get reabsorb.  Great another thing for me to worry about!!!! Got to have something I guess.

Well I got the call (not to trigger) but to change my meds. Wow I was beginning to think I was the only one who never changed. I didn't have to take my follistim last night and I took my regular menopur last night. This morning though I took the same follistim but upped my menopur to 2 cc's. that is two vials of powder to one solution. Can I just say OUCH!!!! I definitely burned a lot more.

Well I will update later on today's results. Fingers crossed that my follies are still growing!! Might trigger tonight or tomorrow!!


UPDATE:
IT'S TRIGGER TIME
Got the call a little while ago, that I am in fact triggering tonight at 6:00 PM!!! I go in on Friday October 28, for a 6:00 AM retrieval. 

Forgot to ask what my E2 level was (too excited).
R. Ovary 7 follicles measuring: 6, 12, 15.5, 17, 17, 19, 24
L. Ovary 10 follicles measuring: 9, 11.5, 13, 17,  17, 18, 20, 20, 21

Couple of extra ones in there I am sure the 6 and 9 won't be any good but hopefully I got some good sized in there that will have some good quality eggs in them!!
 So right now watching the clock like a hawk, even though I have my alarm set and ready!! Luckily my trigger shot is subcutaneous (basically small needle just under the skin) as opposed to intramuscular (long needle into the muscle). Before I do that I have to do 300 IU of follistim.  As always it is out of my hands and if one or more of these eggs are meant to fertilize and be my future baby/ies then it will happen.

Follicle Confusion

So on day 9 of stims I went in for my blood work and ultrasounds and the nurse was having trouble finding my vein. She said that she would get someone else to draw me if she couldn't find it because she didn't feel comfortable, she kept poking (with her finger) and finally said I think I found it, my reply was that you better do more than think. She said were going to go for it and I closed my eyes and grimaced but fortunately I didn't feel a thing and she got it. She better count herself lucky though because I am not in the best of moods. On Friday I drove to the other side of town for my old high school's homecoming game and to see my dear sweet daughter, Whitney in the hospital. She still is in a lot of pain when the morphine wears off and is very flushed in the face when I bent down to give her a hug and kiss I could feel the heat radiating off her whole body. I was very alarmed and when the nurse came in to give her the pain meds I asked. I think she said it had been a couple of hours since they had given her Tylenol for her last fever and she said that it had not yet kicked, (Never heard of Tylenol taking that long), she than gave some BS story about how the heat is just on the outside and is not her core temperature and how you can not tell someone has fever from touching them because our body temperature is lower. I do realize that if your hands are really cold you are not going to get a good reading but when the heat is coming from their whole body and they are not covered up with blankets they have a temperature. I personally think that the shift was changing and crappy nurse did not want to be bothered. So in fact my daughter did have a high temperature again when the new nurse came in to check it, (AAAAHHHH). Anyways today she just got released. Today she is finally be released, (YEAH) and we just found out that she had e coli which was causing her kidneys to be impacted. I am so glad she went in when she did because that is something you just don't want to mess with.My asthma starting acting up on my way home from the homecoming game and I forgot my inhaler so I stopped off at my mom's to borrow hers. I kept hearing a noise from my car sounded like a hissing noise. But my tires looked find still had a great tread. I left my mom's with my two younger kids to drive the 45 minutes home. Probably about 10 minutes after I left my mom's I heard a THUMP THUMP THUMP noise and knew I had blown my tire. It was completely shredded. I had to wait for AAA to get there change the tire out on my beast of a car with a donut tire. By the time I got into bed it was 1:45 AM!!!! BLAH I am getting to old to be up this late. I had to get up for my 8:30 AM appointment with my clinic!!

So here are the results for day 9 of stims:

E2 1,260
R. Ovary 6 follicles measuring: 9.51, 9.83, 10.23, 11.72, 11.96, 14.96
L. Ovary 9 follicles measuring: 7.06, 7.65, 9.44, 9.97, 10.9, 11.39, 12.56, 13.03, 14.17

So some people might be alarmed or confused since my right ovary shows one less. Did I have a vanishing follicle? Where did it go? The thing is there can be some discrepancies when measuring follicles especially when done by a different person. It is doubtful that one has vanished but possible scenarios include that the previous tech could have accidentally counted it twice, or the new tech could have missed it. Either one of these is possible follicles can be clustered together some hidden behind others where it makes counting them difficult. I am not too worried about I know I have right in that general area. I was a little concern that they may not have grown enough. With my other two cycles I was already at daily blood draws and ultrasounds because I had at least one follicle at or above 16 mm. When the nurse called me back to tell that I am still to stay on the same protocol, I voiced my concern. She said that things seem nicely for me and that more importantly my follicles are close in size right and that it seems that each visit I have acquired new ones. So I am putting all negative thoughts away because it really is out of my hands. I go back in tomorrow and we will see how those follies are doing. Come on FOLLIES GROW!!!!!

Well I am going to bed now, haven't had much sleep in the past two days with everything that happened on Friday and then last night I went to my 20 year reunion!!!! AM I really that old?!?!?!?! It was a blast but my body and mind are just exhausted I need to get some sleep!

Day 7 of Stims

Today is day 7 of Stims and how am I feeling; moody, crampy, & fatigued. My stomach is not too badly bruised but you can play connect the dot with all the needle pokes. So I went in two days ago for my blood work and ultrasound. Now I do not have that days E2 level but I do have my baseline and 3 days of stim level

Baseline: 44.4
Day 3: 102

I was told that the numbers going up was a good sign. As far as follicles well as you know I have been on a more aggressive protocol to hopefully produce more eggs. This is what they found for day 5:

R. Ovary 4 follicles measuring: 4, 6, 6.5, 7
L. Ovary 4 follicles measuring: 6, 6.5, 7, 8

Alright so not to say I am not happy that I have some follicles in there but this is my lowest count to start and smallest follicles to start as compared to my previous cycles. I know I know I really should take my own advice and not compare but it is so hard. Also later on I called my IVF coordinator to find out if my meds would be changing at all because if not I was going to order some more. She said I am staying on the same meds but now instead of wanting to see me on Friday they want to see me Thursday which is today. I can't help but be worried that there is something amiss but I guess today will tell. Praying that my E2 levels are still going up and that my follies are getting nice and plump with maybe a few more follies that have come to join the party. I will update later today.


UPDATE:

Alright so I know this sounds weird and all but I had been nervous because I haven't had any cervical mucus otherwise known as egg white cervical mucus (EWCM). Most women worry when they have this during the stimming process of IVF, worrying that they are ovulating and that their cycle will be a bust. However, from my past experiences with this I now know it is something to expect. Was also told that it happens with the rising estrogen in the body. But I have been dry as old chewed up bone, which of course got be thinking that maybe my estrogen was not rising. Anyways when I go to the clinic they have you empty your bladder and low and behold when I wiped there it was. I did my little happy dance in the bathroom because it made me feel that this cycle is going at least in the right direction. I asked the nurse after my blood was drawn what my E2 level was on Tues (day 5 of stims) 247 so Yeah it is going up!!!

My E2 level for today is 694

My follicles:
R. Ovary 7 follicles measuring: 7, 7, 9, 9.5, 11.5, 12, 12
L. Ovary 7 follicles measuring: 5, 9, 9, 10, 11, 11, 14


I am to stay on the same protocol (oh Yeah) until Sat when I go in for another stab and poke. I am starting to feel better about this cycle. But of course with all the hormones I am on my mood can change instantly.
On another subject my oldest baby (Whitney) is in the hospital. She woke up with severe pain. They though it was a appendicitis but she has a severe bladder infection that has now gone to her kidneys as well as possibly having kidney stones. It is so hard when your kids are sick no matter how old they are. They told her the infection was so bad that if she had left it too much longer it could have killed her. Those words are parent never wants to hear. She is doing better now got her doped up on morphine and running antibiotics through her system.

The Lupron Blues

Today is day 6 of taking Lupron and I am just feeling cruddy. It is hard to explain sometimes how I feel but all I know is that I am Feeling not like me. The headaches (knocking on wood) have let up but have now been replaced with total unrelenting fatigue. Multiple naps have become a daily ritual and I still have to go to bed early. It gets so bad that I can barely keep my eyes open. In fact I am laying on the bed in my hotel room in Vegas after waking from one of my naps while Kev is playing Craps down in the casino (hope he is not losing too much money). Tomorrow I get to reduce my lupron from 10 iu to 5 and I start on follistim. Woo Hoo!!! Now I am usually more vigilant with my IVF calendar but Kev notice something that I missed. On the calendar it says that I am to take 200 iu of follistim which at first I was a little confused because last time I talked to my RE he had said that he apologizes to my ovaries now but he wanted to be more aggressive and try to get more eggs. However two iu was less than what I took last time but my dear darling husband noticed that this time around I am taking it twice a day for a total of 400 ius and the same thing when I start the menopur on Sunday (75 iu twice daily) for a total of 150 ius!!!!  Wholy Moley!!!!  Let's hope they get some good eggies out of there!!!!!

And It Begins

I know technically I have been on the pill and gearing up for this cycle for a couple of weeks now but yesterday I started Lupron, (the injection that basically puts me in temporary menopause) and I never quite feel like I have started until I start poking myself with needles. Not to be bragging or anything but I am starting to feel like a pro with these needles. This is coming from a girl who had a deep phobia of needles and would actually have panic attacks when blood was drawn. I feel I can practically do these in my sleep now. I have come a long way baby!!!!So now I am on day 2 of lupron and already experiencing some of the side effects. Hot hot hot and no I am not talking about my rocking body which by the way I have dropped 20 pounds (can I hear a Woot Woot) Hot flashes are not as much fun. Last night Kev was so cold he had me put two blankets which he even put his head under and there I was wearing as little as possible practically dying because I was so hot. I even tried to turn the fan on but Kev (who conveniently can not remember saying this) chattered, "Cccaaannn yyyooouuu pppllleeeaaassseee tttuuurrrnnn ooofff ttthhheee fffaaannn??? Like my chattering teeth effect but seriously that is how it was and it was not like I had the AC turned down it was about 83 in the house. This actually pissed me off which I am sure was more because of the lupron because everything that you can think of will push my buttons. Oh well such as life and hopefully it will be worth it. Today I also went to a baby shower of my friend's. Although it is hard seeing all the cute things I am very happy for her and know that she understand what I am going through. (Her RE knocked her up too) Today we also had a craft day at my church which was a lot of fun. My mom drove down from the other side of town and spent the day with me. We made some cute things for the holidays and other things. We also had a service project where we made boxes for an organization down here called Lanee's Legacy. These boxes are delivered to hospitals all around Arizona for Mom's and Dad's who have an angle baby. These boxes are cutely decorated and contain items such as a disposable camera a place to put their baby's lock of hair a necklace for the mom to where and where other items of the baby can be placed. It was really touching one of my friends who lost her baby last year got up and spoke about how special this box was and she could open and look at the items inside. It was very touching and brought tears to my eyes. I am actually thinking about joining the organization so I can be a part of helping mom's dad's that are faced with the death of their baby.

Well that it is all for now, I will keep you updated as to how I am doing and responding to the meds. Next week I go in for my baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work. Oh Yeah!!!

Updates Updates and More Updates

I have been gone way too long and for weeks I have been telling myself that I need to get on here and update. There just has not seem to be enough time in the day and I think I needed to break myself away from it and everyone around it for my own sake. I have kept update with the ins and outs of my friends facing the same struggles but I have been like a silent partner their cheering you on in the background and feeling your pain when things have not worked out. I just needed some time to think. I didn't know if Kev and I were going to get another chance and I was angry and I didn't want to just vent my negativity on others.

So in the meantime I have been venting my negativity into working out and getting into shape. I have lost 15 pounds woo hoo and I feel great!!! My asthma has been so much better since my workout and I am just really proud of myself. However, as of Wednesday evening my working out has been brought to a standstill. I was out riding my bicycle with Kev, (who got a new hand bike so he can exercise now too).  Well he still is building up his arm strength and I usually go around our neighborhood once and come back round too him. Anyway, right where the entrance to our subdivision is there is a stop sign and this guy in a truck did a California stop and we collided. I am very fortunate that my injuries are superficial. I did go to the emergency room the next day because my upper abdomen right starting swelling out. They did an MRI on my knee which was also very swollen and bruised and a CT scan on my abdomen because the Dr. was worried about my spleen. After 6 hours in the emergency room everything came back good. They did put a brace on my knee to keep in immobilized and gave me crutches. As soon as the swelling goes down I will be able to go start working out again but he cautioned me to take it easy blah!! If it had to be anyone I am glad that it was me instead of one of the neighborhood kids that live in the area. It really could have been a lot worse!

Now my journey through infertility has seem long to me but I look at many of my friends and my struggles have not even begun to scratch the surface. But in the world of infertility a week can seem like an eternity. For me it has been just over three months since my negative Beta and time has been ticking away. As I have said I have kept myself busy working out, cleaning house, and spending time with family. It has helped. Because we haven't heard anything about whether Kev's workman's comp had approved or denied us another attempt I urged Kevin to call. I think 3 months is enough time to make a decision and I needed to know one way or another so I could make a plan. Jane his caseworker still had not heard back from the lawyers, (this was September 7) but she did not foresee it being a problem and felt we should here something by the beginning of the following week. Well the answer came back two days later and we were approved for another attempt. I don't know if this is the last one and I try not to think about that. Instead I take one day at a time and hope for the best because that is all we can do. I started on my birth control last Thursday. Now we were concern that the accident might delay this attempt but Daina (my IVF coordinator) says as long as nothing is broken or internal damage we can proceed. Looks like my transfer will be around the end of October. Here's hoping that 3 times is the charm.

BETA DAY

I have not posted since my transfer but to let you all know the time has gone by relatively fast. I suppose going to Vegas 5 days after my transfer helped. I had a lot of fun and got to see the Lion King at Mandala Bay. It was incredible and highly recommend it but this will be the last year it is showing in Vegas!!! I got to spend quality time with my beautiful daughter, her boyfriend, and of course my husband. Now I did take the evil HPTs with me and tested at 7 & 8 days past my transfer. Both were negatives and I had a melt down. Since Kevin didn't know that I even took the tests I had to put on a smile while on the inside my heart was breaking. If it wasn't for my IVF gals I don't know what I would do. They help me to keep my sanity and because of their advice I decided not to test again because it was too emotionally draining. Although I have not tested  again I am pretty sure this cycle was a bust. Now I know it is not over until the Beta lady sings but it is a feeling I have. I just feel different than my last cycle and with my last I had a feeling before I got back my second BETA numbers that it was not going to be good. It would be great to be surprised but I need to be realistic. I already talked to Kevin and let him know that I want to do this again. I think the talked help me feel a little better. At least I know that this is not final

I will update later

UPDATE:  As expected my Beta came back negative. I am Ok though and I am ready to move forward to my next cycle. Maybe 3 times will be the charm!

FET

So again I haven't posted like I should but with a FET there is not too much going on. Also the joys of having children and step-children make for a lot of activity. My step-daughter Kassie graduated from 8th grade on May 25. Boy was that place packed, my mother-in-law thought it was so strange that so many people would go to this event. But you know when it comes to your kids no event is too small. Then on June 1 my other step-daughter Kandace graduated from high school.

So  I have to insert estrogen cream around dinner time and then lay down for about 10 or 15 minutes. The problem was that we had to leave early to get a decent seat so I took the estrace with me & planned on lying down on the back seat. However, the traffic was so bad at the ASU arena where the graduation was taking place that I had to do it while he was driving. My kids were asleep in the back seat. So there with skirt hiked  up & underwear to the side inserting the cream. Yep real glad a semi didn't drive by. ;-p

Anyway all went well & the graduation was great. They went through over 500 names in about 30 minutes!!!

Well today was my big day. I was up by 5 since my nerves would not let me sleep. I went in for my 1st acupuncture treatment & absolutely loved. I was so relaxed. While I was waiting for the acupuncturist to come back the embryologist's assistant came in and told us that they thawed 2 embryos. One was doing very good while the other was not.
Our options were:

1. Thaw another embryo out
2. Take  our chances & transfer the two I have
3. If the one embryo showed complete stop of growth then transfer the one.

Kevin decide that we should take our chances. After she left I was quiet for awhile. I wasn't upset just deep in thought. I had a nagging feeling and it just didn't seem right to me. I discussed it with Kevin and he decided to go tell them we had changed our minds. This was about 15 minutes after the assistant had come in. This caused a little delay in my transfer since we had to wait for the other embryo thaw out. I had drunk 16 oz of water and was dying to pee. At one point I was almost in tears because it was starting to hurt. I sent Kevin up to ask if I could empty  a little out. But right at that moment they were ready for me.  So there I was bent over walking trying not to piddle on the floor. We got in and they had me put my feet in the stirrups with my Hoo Haw exposed to the world. Surprisingly this position caused a little relief on my poor enlarged bladder. My RE Dr. Craig walked in & asked how I felt about twins. I said that I was fine with that while Kevin was just quiet. He said that the one that was not doing so good was still hanging in there and they would transfer it as well. He gave me a 68% chance of conceiving twins though and a 6% for triplets!!! He felt very optimistic about this so while I know that anything can happen, I feel pretty good too.

My comfy position didn't last long while Dr.  Craig put the clamp in one of the nurses  pressed the ultrasound on  my belly causing my bladder to scream in protest. Oh well it will all be worth it in the end if I get a baby or babies several months later. When I was finally allowed to pee. I didn't think I would ever stop. I peed for almost a minute. I actually timed it.

Now I am on Princess status resting up and praying and hoping for the best, wondering if my little beans are doing their job.

One thing is for sure it feels great to be Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise (PUPO)

Thoughts of Children

Yes I know it has been too long since I posted. I am a terrible terrible person. Really I have had hardly enough time to breath. Let me tell you, I will be so extremely happy when summer break is here and not just because my kids will be home and I get to spend more time with them. That itself is a big reason because I love being with my kids and now that I am not in school I get bored during the day, Anyways back to what I was saying the other reason is the school work. I am so tired of it. My son who has some learning disabilities and whom we are trying to get back on an IEP so that he can receive the help he needs gets a crap load of homework. I mean he has a book report for reading, a science project for science, a research paper for writing, and a social studies project for social studies all need to be turned in by Monday. He was actually given an extension because his counselor Mrs. Hunter whom I absolutely love has been such an amazing advocate for him getting some modifications on his work. Still there is so much to do and so little time and my son, God bless his is very meticulous in his work which takes him extra long to do. In fact after I get off of here his research paper which has been written out I am now going to type up for him so he can work on and other project. I am exhausted just writing about it.

Well back to the world of fertility which has taken a big chunk out of my daily life. It is amazing exactly what we put our bodies through and the amount of times we do. I get asked why I would want to try again since already have children. Sometimes I feel self conscious because I know there are many women out there that have not yet had the opportunity to hold their own child in their arms where I have been triply blessed to do so. Maybe I am selfish and like the Disney character Sharpay (my daughter is watching High School Musical) I want more!!! I want to add to my wonderful blended family and unite them together. I always do I wanted to have more children and my first husband and I planned on trying again after my son Tristan had started school but life throws curve balls at you. Today is the 8 year anniversary of his death. It is hard to believe that he has been gone so long. I look at my husband Kevin now and realize what lucky person I am to have been blessed with two amazing men when some women don't even get one.

June 3rd is the official day that I will be PUPO!!!! I pray and hope that one or two of my little snowbabies stick

In Limbo Land Again

For the past few days I have had no internet service. I sat and wondered what I did before the days of technology. Well I read some books, did some cleaning, played games with my kids. Sometimes it is nice to get away from all this and just live simply.
But now I am back and need to post as to what has been going on for me in these few days. Well we went in on Sunday hopeful that our embryos had caught up and were ready to be placed back in me. I kept thinking that is is Easter and it is a blessed day. If there was a day of good things then I prayed that today would be that day.  First I like to comment that when you go to change into the hospital gown the worse place that you can put a women who has drank almost 32oz of water is in the bathroom. For me personally I see a toilet and I just have to go. So I went in with my back turned and quickly undressed. Again had to give the nurse all the information as if anything had changed from the day before. I know I know it is all about procedures. We sat waiting what seemed like forever. We were the last ones of the day even though out appointment time was 9:30, (slow day). Finally Dr. Craig appeared. Out of the 5 eggs one had disintegrated, (which we already sure was going to happen). As for the other four they had all caught up and were blastocysts!!! I like to just think that I have sleepy embryos and maybe that is a sign that as babies they will sleep through the night lol!!! Yeah I thought, I am going to be PUPO (Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise) today!!! Then I looked at my RE and I saw there was a but coming. The embryologist felt that since we had waited an extra day the lining of my uterus would not be as thick and that it would be better to freeze them and due a frozen embryo transfer later. We could have also went with transferring all 4 of them that day in which he said that it would be very unlikely that all 4 would take or even 3 but my husband still sees that chance. He also said that he could not give me as a high a success rate if we did it that day. Now waiting to and doing a FET also carries some risks such as the embryos not surviving the thaw. It was our choice. He left us alone for a few minutes where we talked I didn't know what to do and just wanted to be pregnant. When Dr. Craig came back I asked him his professional opinion and he said that he was on the fence (Great!!!) but the embryologist, Dr. Tao highly recommended the FET and he always said if they ever disagreed on anything go with the embryologist. So that is what we did. I had to take another shot of progesterone, (had done one earlier that morning) and was told to stop all medications except for prenatal. My period should arrive within a week. Yeah!!! We go in tomorrow morning for a consult to discuss what are next steps are. I feel like we are going to our WTF appointment but I guess it is not really since it was just postponed. As far I know our transfer will be about June 3, just over 5 weeks away!!! Really?!?!? That just seems so far away!!!! In the meantime I am going to do some housecleaning and try to get some of the clutter out of our lives. Maybe shed a few pounds!!! Right now I feel like I am in limbo land again

2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back

Today was suppose to be the big day embryo transfer. All week since my egg retrieval I have been on pins and needles jumping every time my phone rang hoping it was not the clinic calling to say that all my embryos had arrested. No news is good news and so the week progressed with no calls. Last night I barely slept and I got up early figured I would have time to sleep while on my bed rest. We got there at 9:45  and there were two couples in front of us. I put on my sexy hospital gown, slippers and hat and patiently awaited my turn. At about 10:40 my Re came out to us and said that although 5 embryos had fertilized one looked so so and would probably not make it, there were two that were a day behind in growth, and the other two were 1/2 day behind. I couldn't believe it not again this felt like Deja Vu. Back in July the exact same thing happened and we came in the following day to do the transfer. It is such a let down because you get so excited for this day to finally arrive and then nothing. I didn't cry until we got out to the car and I told Kev that I felt like a failure. He of course said to stop the RE said that this happens about 20%  of the times and that they looked good he just wanted to make sure which two would be the best 2 to put in tomorrow. Let me also tell you that we could have put in all 4 today which I would have be perfectly find but I think our RE scared Kev when he said that they could all take. So here we are waiting. I just hope and pray that they catch up and will be ready to return back home to me for the next several months.

Pray Pray Pray

Egg Retrieval

Well I told you I was a wuss when it comes to meds and I was not able to post anything yesterday. Still hurting a little today but not too bad. The only thing is I am constipated so I have been drinking mucilex Yummy!! 


Kevin and I arrived bright early at our clinic at 6:15 AM. The one nice thing about getting there so early is not too many people in front of you (there was one couple) and you get in faster. This is good because the sooner I get it done the sooner I can have some water. I remember talking to the nurse about my RE kids. The one thing I really like is that he and his wife also had to go through in vitro and I think that helps him to empathize with his patients as he has been on our side before. In fact he has 11 year old twins and 3 year old triplets!!!! I don't think I would mind twins maybe even triplets but I don't about much more than that and don't even know if I could carry that many with the septum in my uterus. Well as I was talking to the anesthesiologist I kept thinking when are the meds going to kick in next thing I know they were waking me up. They got 12 eggs but they were several immature ones. I had feeling that this was going to happen and still think that maybe they should have had be continue a day or two on the stims. So we got 5 mature eggs. I would be lying if I said I wasn't devastated because I know that there is less to work with and who knows how many of those 5 will even fertilize and after they fertilize how many of them will continue to grow and divide normally. I got on to the forum to let my fellow IVFers as well as facebook to let some friends that have been through this know what happen and then I took my percocet cried and passed out. One thing that I have to say about women who are going through this is that we rally around each other and work on boosting each others spirits. A few people had said to me that it is out of my hands and they are right. Last night I got down on my knees and prayed with an open heart. I know that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and that he knows my pain and I know that he will know if this is my time or not so I am letting go and letting God take over. This all I can do and although this is a very hard thing for me to do I think I felt better than I ever felt through this process.

UPDATE: So this morning I have been waiting the call from the embryologist. Surprisingly I have been very calm waiting to accept whatever is in store for me. At 9:29 AM  Dr. Tao called. Now I don't really like talking to him not because he isn't pleasant but I believe he is Vietnamese and he is hard to understand. 
Well here is the news: Out of my 5 eggs all 5 fertilized!!! Yeah I am cautiously optimistic as I know a lot can happen over the next few days. For now my transfer is scheduled for Saturday at 10:30 AM. I will get no further updates unless something goes wrongs. So here is hoping for no phone calls from the fertility clinic. 

Ready or Not Here We Go !!!!

Well I am terrible about posting but I have just been so exhausted and busy with the kids and getting the house clean before I am laid up that I just haven't had time to post one here. Sleep deprivation is sinking in, the other night I had not one, not two, not three, but four nightmares that woke me up throughout the night. The thing is none of the dreams were related just separate nightmares. It is funny though how vivid dreams/nightmares  are right after you wake up but then start to fade. This is what has happened for all the nightmares I had except for one. That one has stuck with me and still bothers me. My 13 year old daughter told me she wanted to take a walk. We were not living at my current house but the house I grew up and the house my parents still live in to this day. It started to get late and I got worried. The next store neighbor said there was a problem with predators in the neighborhood. I searched and searched but she was gone taken from me forever, (I won't go into anymore details). The last thing I remember before waking up was beating the man that did this. I woke up with tears running down my face and my pillow was wet as well. This nightmare was so realistic that I went into my daughter's room to make sure she was alright. Later that morning to her protests I hugged her tightly and told her how much I love her. She looked at me like I was a nutcase.

Well I had been going to daily checkups since Friday. On that day I had the PA give me the ultrasound and she saw 11 follicles I was not too concern as it was only one less and sometimes they miss one or the nurse before may have over counted Also she was having a hard time seeing the left ovary as it was hiding behind my bowels. My lining was 8.3 which she said was good. I went home and was scheduled to come in the next day Saturday.
On that day 19 follicles were counted with the highest being 18mm and several more 10 mm or bigger. My lining was a 9.5. Later that afternoon I was called to start the Ganirelix. So at that time I was doing two stomach injections in the morning and one at night!!! My first experience with the Ganirelix was not pleasant. There is no preparation for it as it already comes ready in the syringe as I like to call it idiot proof. I washed my hands got my skin prepped got myself to psyched to stick the needle and went for it. The needle hit my skin and did not go in. Ouch this needle felt dull like I was trying to stab myself with a butter knife. There wasn't anything I could do since I couldn't change the needle out except suck it up and take it. It sure did sting!!!! The next day I asked Daina if they normally had duller needles. She told me the problem is with the rubber tops and that you have to be careful taking them off. I followed her instructions and did not have a problem with it after that.
On Sunday when I went in I had a different nurse do the ultrasound and at this time only 15 follicles were counted with the biggest at 21 and the smallest at a 6mm. I was also confused because my lining was measures at 8.6. I asked about this later and was told that there could be slight discrepancies but not to worry because it was still a good measurement. The nurse told me there was a little amount of fluid in my uterus and she wanted me to take Vitamin E twice daily and that should clear it up. I did the thing that I always warn my friends on the IVF forum never to do; I GOOGLED it!!! Of course it was full of horrible stories about it being toxic and how cycles usually have to be canceled.
BAD ME need to take my own advice!!!!

I was told that I might get a call that night to trigger and they gave me a sheet and said if they called they would give me my instructions and if not to come back in at my scheduled appointment. At about a quarter to one they called.
TRIGGER TIME!!!!
For those who do not know the trigger shot is a HSG shot that will cause you to ovulate about 48 hours after injecting it. The Re though will take my follicles before this happens, 36 hours later and hopefully there will be some mature good eggs in there. So I did my trigger at 7:00 PM and I have to be at the clinic at  6:15 AM for an egg retrieval at 7:00 AM. Nothing to eat or drink after 11. I hate that part, not the eating but the drinking I get so thirsty throughout the night and always have cottonmouth in the morning. I would be lying if I said I wished I had had an extra day of stims. I want give some of the smaller ones a little longer to catch up. But my RE knows what is best and I trust him completely. I am hoping I will fill less uncomfortable after egg retrieval my poor swollen stomach. I seriously look like I am pregnant already!!! I posted a picture of my stomach below.

I will try hard to let you know how many eggs were retrieved but I am such a wuss when it comes to meds I don't know how coherent I will be. I

Ready or Not Here We Go

                                                    My Poor Swollen Stomach

Beginnings & Endings

So today was day 5 of stims and I am already feeling it. My stomach is bloated and gross already, (sitting here with my pant unbutton). I started on the Menopur on Sunday. Boy do those sting. I did them last cycle and I guess I blocked that out of my memory because I have no recollection of it hurting so bad. Anyway the Follistim is not too bad but yesterday it hurt going in and after I disposed of the needle I looked down and had blood running down my stomach. Not a  spot but a stream!!! I guess I nicked a small vein, just my luck huh?!?!

This morning I went in for the first of my blood works and ultrasounds since beginning the stims.The nurse decided since my poor right arm looked a little sore she would try to draw blood from my left arm. She tapped on the arm and low behold a nice vein popped up. She turned to grab something and then he went into hiding behind a tendon. She managed to get him out again and stuck him but he just did not want to cooperate. Two drops of blood was all he would spit out. So needless to say my poor right arm had to be stuck again. If you want to look at it differently because my left arm gave such a problem it bruised up real well and now I have matching arms!!! :)

Here are the results of my ultrasound. My clinic does not call about the blood work unless there is a problem. so I will have to ask what it was at my next appointment.

My lining is at a 6 which she said is real good at this stage
R Ovary                          L Ovary
1 - 10                             1 - 11
1 - 7                               2 - 10
1 - 6                               1 - 8.5
2 - 4                               2 - 7
There was another one on the right but I didn't get the size written down :(
I think she said there were some other smaller ones on each side.

I think that is a decent start. I go back in on Friday to check.

On another note I had posted last month about how it seemed all my family members were pregnant. My niece's OB was having trouble locating a heart beat and she went in last Friday for an ultrasound. Sadly there was just an empty sac, (blighted ovum). She had A D&C yesterday my heart goes out to her because I would never wish that on anyone. I know I sounded jealous and I am sure I was a little but I was truly happy for her and her husband. I feel bad because she just moved to Texas to be with him after he graduated from basic training. She doesn't have any family there but she is incredibly loved. I am sure her mom up in Heaven is watching over her.

Just Like Old Times

This is just a quick post. Well today was the day I started my follistim. For anyone not familiar with this drug is is a follicle stimulating hormone. So what that means it will help my ovaries produce more eggs for the IVF procedure. Anyways you would think that since I had done this before back in July that I would just grab that needle and stick in. Nope I stared at it for a while clean the pen with the alcohol rubbing pads several times since it has been sitting in its case collecting dust. washed my hands, not once, not twice, but three times!!! ( I wanted to make sure they were sterile. Cleaned the injection site with the alcohol pad twice. Stood there for a good 5 minutes and finally did. It was easy went in no problems. Now I just wait and hope that my ovaries respond well. I am having some discomfort in my right side, (the side I injected) but I think it is too soon. Sometime I think I work myself up hoping for some response that I may imagine it. I don't though.

Going to read my book now so until next time

Changes Can Be Good, Well That Is What I Keep Telling Myself

OK so I have been really really really bad about posting especially with so much that has changed since my last post. It has been a hectic few weeks getting ready to go out of town, helping my son finish his umptinth school project before we leave, cleaning the house from top to bottom so it would pass the white glove test while my mom stayed and watch Courtney and Tristan, and getting groceries in for them as well as goodies for our road trip. I did not sleep at all the night before we left but made up for it the car which resulted in a very stiff neck, there is not much room in a truck for four grown people traveling for 13 hours. I did have a great time in Utah and actually got to see snow falling for the first time in my life. I was like a child in a toy store. I ran around playing in it and probably looked very stupid to all the people of Utah but I don't care I had fun!!!! Kevin's two older kids flew back home on Sunday so they would not miss school and me and Kevin headed to Las Vegas where we had two free nights. That was a short and fast trip and although exhausted from the trip I had a great time.

Now down to business after my hysterscopy I was kind of depressed. My RE told me that the septum had grown back some which happens to about 20 %, Yeah lucky me!!!!  My left side of my uterus is not good, too small and not enough blood supply but the right side is large, (even large enough to carry twins) so when he does the transfer he will be placing the embryos in the upper right side, (hopefully they stay there).

The other thing that got me down was that I would not be starting on lupron on the 30th as originally planned. In fact I would not do lupron at all this cycle . Instead I am doing the antagonist protocol and this is how it goes.
 I ended BCPS on 4/3/11
Start Follistim  - 4/8/11
Start Menopur -  4/10/11
Start Ganirlex - When follicles reach about 14mm

That is all I have for my schedule so as you can see everything is pretty much the same except for the no lupron and adding the ganirlex. Now it is not that I am terribly sadden by the fact that I didn't get to start my shots earlier, (needle phobia here)  it just that I really don't like change. I was familiar with the original way and that gave me some comfort and I guess power. Now I feel in the dark and I don't like that feeling. I also did the most horrible of horrible things that can be done during this whole crazy process......


GOOGLE!!!!!

Yes google can be a great tool in finding information. However there is a lot of crap out there too. I know this and like a junkie who can't stay away from his drug it draws me in. Of course all the terrible outcomes for my protocol were right there and I read them. Yes I know everybody responds differently some protocols work great for some while they do jack for others. I think I just keep thinking that I responded well in my first cycle. It was just a couple days after egg retrieval that my embryos decided to crap out. I guess I am just scared and like everyone else doing this I just want this to work. Then I feel bad this is only my second cycle and I have friend that has been through several now and is fact getting ready to have her transfer tomorrow. She doesn't have kids yet and I just admire her courage and strength. She will be a great mom someday and I hope and pray that day will be soon. But I know no matter how it will happen.

Well I guess that is all I will be starting my first shots in the morning and I will let you know how that goes



Goodnight

Ready to Get the Show on the Road

I really need to get better about posting. Well I heard from Daina on Monday and got my IVF schedule. THis is how it looks so far:

Monday      3/28/11 - hystoscopy
Wednesday 3/30/11 - Begin Lupron
Sunday        4/03/11 - Stop Birth Control Pills
Wednesday 4/06/11 - Baseline & Blood work
Thursday     4/08/11 - Start  Stims (as long as I get the OK after my baseline & blood work)
Sunday        4/10/11 - Ultrasound & Blood Work
Tuesday      4/12/11 -  Ultrasound & Blood Work

The rest will be determined my how well I respond to the medication.

This time round my RE is upping my Follistim to 300 IU. Last time I was on 200 IU. Basically he wants to try and get about 20 to 25 eggs out of me! (OUCH). I thought I had a fair amount for my age last time which was 15 with 12 being mature. So I am probably going to be more sore this time around, (as long as my body cooperates) but it will all hopefully be for a great reason. So I am ready to get this show on the road.

I See Pregnant People

OK, so I'm  normally a happy human being, I am there for others when needed and celebrate in their successes. However, the green monster of jealously has reared her ugly head, (contrary to popular belief I am not perfect).

I have to start off my jumping back to last month for my mother's birthday. She just turned 72 and I hope I look half as good as she does when I reach that age. Anyways, she tells me that my sister's son and his girlfriend show up at her house with a card. My mom reads it and thanks them. My nephew's girlfriend then asks my nephew if she noticed and he tells her to read it again. My mom does and now notices that it says Happy Birthday Great Grandma!!! Yep that's right my nephew is going to be a dad!!! Now he is an adult, (33) but he does not have a job and still lives at home with my sister and his dad. He really has a lot of growing up to do, his voice mail says, "You have reached Satan. You know what to do. Do it." Maybe this will be a wake up call but I just don't know.

Last week I was on facebook, randomly looking at people's posts just trying to keep up with what is going on with family and friends. I noticed a lot of people were congratulating my niece, (my brother's daughter). I thought first of all it had to do with her husband since he just graduated from basic training in the air force  and maybe he got his papers to where he was being stationed. Nope their pregnant too, been married just under a year and are now expecting. I went in and told my husband that it is beginning to feel like everyone is pregnant but me and I am going to scream if I find out that one more family member is pregnant.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Yep, yesterday I just found out that my brother's (same brother) son and wife are expecting their 5th child. I told my husband, "It is official everyone IS PREGNANT but me!!!! Next all I need to hear is that my daughter is expecting!!!" YIKES!!!!

Now I am happy for all of them and congratulated each one. But I guess I feel like an outsider looking through the window at their happiness. I keep thinking next month I should have been having my baby if I had not miscarried.

I know this is nothing more than my own personal pity party. I think we all feel that way at some point in our lives. Should I be having these ugly jealous feelings, I don't know the jury is still out....

Aunt Franny is Here

So earliar in my lasy post I was wondering when lovely Aunt Frannie was going to arrive. Well she started hinting about her arrival Late Tuesday afternoon and came knocking on my door Tuesday morning. I called my IVF coordinator Daina whom I absolutely love and was scheduled to come in for blood work yesterday morning.

Now since it had been over a year since both Kev and I had had blood work we had to redo the initial tests for HIV and other STD's. Now I love my husband with all my heart but he is a BIG WHINNY BABY when it comes to needles. Because he does not have feeling on certain areas on the top of the hand he asks the nurse to draw blood from there so he can't feel the needle going in!!! WTH I have to be poked and prodded with needles daily for some time during this process and for him this is a one time thing, (at least for a year.) It took forever to draw all the blood out because the veins are smaller there!!! If men, (at least like mine) were the ones that had to give birth, the human race would have died out long ago!!! LOL

As soon as my RE looks over the results Daina will call me back and I will finally get my schedule. YEAH!!!! Isn't it strange how excited I get over poking myself with needles but it is the hopeful end result of a baby or two. Tomorrow I start birth control pills so lets get this show on the road!!!!!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, although I am getting over pneumonia I have been feeling pretty upbeat. I went in on Wednesday for my follow up for my septum removal. So no more estrogen pills, YEAH!!! I did get a progesterone shot, wasn't too bad, (those nurses really know what they are doing there). I was told I can expect my period to show up in about 3 to 5 days but it could take up to 2 weeks but to call them if it hasn't happen after that. So I am feeling pretty good, just waiting for Aunt Frannie (my period) to show and of course she is probably going to take her time just because I want her to arrive. After she does finally show I will go in for by blood work and hopefully get my schedule I really think I am seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and thinking is this finally happening after waiting 7 months since my miscarriage. I know there is a long road ahead and unfortunately no gurantees but I feel at peace and I am geared up ready to try again!!

On a different subject I am staying away from the dreaded scales. Because I was in the hospital and pumped full of steroids I put on 15 pounds within a week!!! I swear that should be illegal people should not be allowed to put on that much weight in that short of time. Since I am feeling better, (just get a little worn out) I am going to go work out tomorrow and hopefully burn some of that wait off. If not I am going to be an elephant by the time I finish the fertility drugs, I gain so much from them too!!!

Have a great night

Here We go

Alright, so I figured that I would start a blog about my IVF journey. I mean I visited a fertility forum belong to a mailing group, why not add a blog. I think not only could I help others but it will be a great way for me to vent my frustrations and joys, (hopefully more joys than frustrations). Well, just a little bit about my  journey so far: hoepfully getting ready for round 2 of IVF. My last IVF was in July of last year. It went pretty smoothly, in fact I got a positive beta!!! Woo Hoo, so excited my first round and I could not believe my luck. Well for those who do not know betas check the HCG levels in your blood and after your first one you have to go back for a second to make sure they are rising, (they should double about every 2 days) Well my first Beta was 69.3. I went in 4 days later so it should have quadrupled but instead it dropped to 48.7. They told me sometimes this happens when you get pregnant with twins but miscarry one causing a temporary drop in levels before they start to rise again. I knew though, my body even as early as I was felt different, it felt normal. So I had a what they coin a chemical pregnancy, meaning you miscarry before a the embryo is seen on a ultrasound and before a heartbeat is detected. I was told that once my HCG levels dropped to 0 I could start right away which was something both me and Kev wanted to do. However, my husbands workman comp had other plans in store. You see we are fortunate enough not to have to pay for IVF. The fertility issue lies with my husband and is result of his injury 13 years ago leaving him in a wheelchair. Because the injury was work related anything that pertains to his injury is covered. Their lawyer decided that because they have paid for 5 or 6 attempts to two other clients that have all been unsuccessful that he was going to knip it in the bud with our 1 attempt. Needless to say we had lawyer and we got another attempt, (if this next one does not work we will probably have to fight again). So instead of starting the following month following my chemical pregnancy it has now been a long 6 months and still won't be for at least another 2. Along the way I also decided to have surgery to remove a uterine septum. This is something that happened during my own development in the uterus. In every female fetus there is a partition that get reabsorbed during the development. When this process fails to take place a septum is left in the uterus. These septums can be complete going all way into the cervix and even the vagina or in my case incomplete. Although my septum was not complete it was about 2/3 the length of my uterus so it was still a pretty good size. Now if an embryo attaches to the septum there is not enough blood supply usually to sustain the pregnancy. I have had 5 pregnancies, 2, resulted in very early miscarriages, (the most recent one and one with my first husband back in 1995) and 3 have resulted into my beautiful children today. Even though I knew I could get pregnant I felt it is kind of the luck of the draw on where my embryo decided to implant also I had all my children early as result of them running out of room because of the compromised space. Therefore, I figured why not eliminate that obstacle at least I can say even if this next time does not work or ends in another miscarriage that it is not a result of the septum.


Well that is about it for now, I think I will go get under covers and watch a good movie. It is way pass my bed time.